If you couldn’t already read between the lines of words on my blog… you would have the idea that I am healing from the break up of my ex fiance and I. All semester long, I have been searching for his equal. I have been searching for someone to fill his spot. To fill the empty place inside.

I have met some really amazing guys this semester. They have taken me on some memorable fun dates and trips. I have laughed my heart out and smiled till my cheeks hurt on a lot of them. I have gained a strong friendship with some as well. But I can’t help but want something different.

I want that relationship when you don’t care how you look – you’re beautiful. I want that firmness when you can both be doing something different in the same room but be totally content. I want that loving relationship when you know that if you go out of your way for them, they repay it with ten folds. It’s an equal love.

I think what has taken me back is that all semester long I have been searching for that something that I thought I didn’t want. I was fine going on dates and just having fun because I knew that’s what I needed but I would come home and just feel sad. I think the realization of what I really want – is also making me sad.

You think that you’re a strong person until you come to the realization that you hate the feeling of being “alone”.  

I came across this quote:

During this semester I have also not allowed some of these guys much time. I give some of them about three dates or so and then I find some reason why it “doesn’t work out” I am realizing that I may be holding myself back from something that could work out and that I’m just scared for it too.

Today – I am going to let go of it all. The relationship that I have been wanting. The scared feeling I have of something good developing into something great and most of all the fear I have of getting hurt again. I am going to let it all go.