Sometimes we just have those pinch me moments. Those moments when reality seems and feels better then any dream. Those moments when we couldn't imagine what life would be like any other way. 

We are happy. We are at peace.

A year ago at this moment I was going through one of the biggest trials I never expected that id have to go through. We all hear stories about hard break ups but it’s not until we put our heart through one, that we can even comprehend the feeling of breaking. People try to be there for you, they say they feel your pain, they help you to get your mind off of the hurt temporarily but at the end of the day, you realize it’s all just to cloud your hurt feelings.

With time, you heal, move on, and find yourself again.

This blog started as a healing for me to get my feelings out. It started as a way for me to vent and reflect on life more in particular this break up that I was going through. I saw that through my words, I have helped others in return with their breakups and life’s trials. It was never my intention to gain attention but to help others who maybe going through what I was going through.

In this past year, I have not held myself back. Everyone has a bad break up, everyone gets hurt, everyone knows what it feels like to get let down with empty filled promises and lies. We have all been there. 

So what?

I believe in not holding ourselves back. Go out there and take that risk again. Find love again and if you get hurt – get back up and take another risk. There is no girl who is exactly the same nor is there any guy who is the exact same. Don’t punish the opposite sex because of that one person who hurt you. There will be someone who will find the good in you, who will not let you go and will cherish the amazing things you have to offer.

It’s frustrating I know. The toughest trial that I had this past year was accepting that when things didn't work out – there were reasons for it not working out. I was engaged, I was happy, I had a wedding date set, I did everything I could to make it work – why wouldn't it work out? We blame ourselves but... hey if it didn't work out – it never was suppose to.

It has taken a complete year for me to feel myself again. It has taken a full year for me to have no desire to turn back and revisit my past. If you would have asked me a year ago if I believed in my Heavenly Fathers plan for me – I would have told you heck no – but little did I know how grateful I would end up being.  

Today, make a change in your life. If you’re not happy, change. If you have seen yourself turn into a person you don’t wanna be – change yourself.  It’s never too late to change the cards you have before your eyes. If I have learned one thing in this past year it’s this – never settle. You can have the world and more.

Thank you for helping me through this journey of healing. Thank you for being my support group and helping me see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I am the happiest I have ever been. I am so grateful so all that I have. I couldn't ask for anything better then this life I am living. I hope my journey has given you hope to know that there is more to life, so much more to life then dwelling about things that are meant to break up down. Take those trials by the horns and make it a positive thing in your life. 

For a while now I have wanted to write a post about me. We have all met those people that think they have you figured out but lets be honest usually their predictions are always wrong unless of course for some reason they know you better then you indeed know yourself. Whatever the case… Guys, this is me.

I don’t kiss on the first date.

Growing up, I was boy crazy. I was fearless and gave my heart to anyone who wanted it. I thought that being loved by many people felt better then feeling loved by just one person who in return actually loved me.  I trusted anyone who gave me a good enough reason and the minute it started to not work out – I would leave. Through situations I have noticed a change. I have this invisible guard up now that for some reason can’t be broken down. I don’t trust as easily anymore and I have decided that I can take care of my heart better than any guy could attempt to. It’s the change of maybe maturing and realizing I deserve better but maybe its also be a little of being scared that I may actually fall in love again.

I like the feeling of being independent.

As a little girl, I was always ready for the next stage in life. I shouldn't say ready but that I felt ready. I rushed my childhood and just anticipated what being older would feel and be like. I grew up to fast as my parents would say but that statement is followed by truth. I enjoy being independent and doing things on my own. It’s a way of me feeling established and feel like I am accomplishing things. I have never liked someone telling me what to do and if they ever tried I was stubborn and would purposely do the opposite. Now, I believe that being independent is important but also knowing when to be dependent is just as important.

I have dreams.

When you were younger it was always a wonder what you were going to do when you were older. My childhood dream was working in a Payless shoe store, the reason for that, or at least I think the reason for that was because I loved shoes so much. When I got older and really started thinking of what I wanted to do and through life I have come up with a pretty good bucket list. I still think it would be the coolest thing ever to be a dental hygienist. I want to complete a triathlon before the age of 30. I want back pack through Europe with just my camera. And if I could be good at anything it would be singing and playing the piano. 

I don’t do well with options.

Ask me where I’d like to go eat, what color sheets I want, really anything simple and I can make up my mind. 98% of the time, I know what I want and don’t have a hard time making decisions. But as far as huge decisions- that’s a lot harder for me esp when I have options. I have set July as a big decision making month. I have pondered a lot of things these past weeks and will continue to just see where life takes me these next couple of months until July.

I love this gospel.

I have never struggled with having a testimony of the Book of Mormon or the truths of the gospel. They are true and I know they are true. The only books that I can get into are church books – I think reading about how to better myself is the most beneficial reading. I am very close to my family. Wither that started because of my knowledge of how the next life works or not, I have chosen to be close with my family and I see the rewards of it. My relationships with my parents and my siblings continue to get stronger the older I get and it’s been such a blessing in my life.

As of late:

I am enjoying everyday just figuring out who I am. I believe that before we can be in any kind of relationship, we need that time to truly find out who we are and what we want in this life. We need to know what it feels like to be alone, and be happy alone before we can appreciate what its like to be happy with someone. That is exactly what I am doing and I am so happy. It feels good to finally be me again.  

You….? Really?

We all have that one person in our lives. It doesn't matter how many years have passed. It doesn't matter if we have moved on and found better. In all honesty, nothing would change the fact that… You will ALWAYS be attracted to them. Always.

What I have found is that the reason is deep, almost buried, and you have to really dig deep before you’ll ever understand why is has always been this way with them.

You have found a way to know this person for who they really are. You have found a way to figure out their likes and dislikes without communication. It’s some kind of invisible bond that connects you to this person. You are connected to this person in other ways that seem to mean more.

There is this guy in my life that I feel this way about. It doesn't matter what happens in our lives, we always come back to each other. We always have that feeling of it’s been too long since I've seen you last. We go out. We talk for hours. We hug goodbye. We go back to reality and life goes on.

I am sure we have both had those moments when we wonder if maybe we should just try us but that thought slowly fades away with unspoken words.

People come and go in our lives each day…. But you, You decided to stay for a while. 

2013

We have all wondered at some point in our lives if the grass is indeed greener somewhere else. We have times when we want to test that statement out but fear of some kind is usually the factor in holding us back. Fear of leaving what feels familiar to us or maybe even just fear of the unknown.

In just this past year I have lived in six different states. Pride does not follow that statement what so ever. I will tell you that the grass is never greener no matter how down to earth the little town may be or even how grand you think life in the big apple would be like.

We make choices in our lives sometimes for other people that we think at the time would make a difference. We confused the statement of fighting for someone and being naive as two different things when in reality sometimes it should be classified as the same thing.

Or we have thoughts of just wanting to run away. We think life alone in a place would make us happier. The low life, simple life, would humble us and make us happier. When in fact after feeling alone, it is at that moment we want to go back.

I am no stranger to wanting to just change the cards that I have been dealt. I am no stranger to just wanting something different for myself.

But through all those moves and life lessons I have come to realize that happiness is found within. When we are at peace with the life we have, it doesn't matter if we have it all or have nothing, we won’t be happy where we are at until we are indeed happy with where we are at.

My resolution for 2013:

Finally unpack the suitcase that has been packed for to long. 

Stop Time.

I have often wondered what things would be like if I were to just stop in place. Would I enjoy a sunset set longer, would a conversation develop into something more, would I decide on my own that this may not be where I want to be in life.

We get caught up in the rush of things that time slips through our fingers and before we know it its tomorrow. Knowing we can never change whatever happened that previous day.

I had a very deep conversation with the Lord the other night and I had this overwhelming feeling come upon me. It was as if Heavenly Father was present before my eyes and I could feel his love for me stronger than ever before.

That conversation we held that night is one that I will always hold close. I remember tears coming down my face because I didn't want to leave. I didn't want this moment of feeling so close to him, to leave. I didn't want to go to sleep knowing that maybe with time I would soon get caught up in life and forget him again.

I remember wanting to just know how his day had been that day. So many times I come to the Lord in my times of need not thinking that maybe he needs someone this time instead. Did he see someone’s life change that day, was he reunited with an old friend, did I do something that made him smile that day? I just wanted to know.

Two nights later, I was in the presence of someone I care a lot about. I wanted to pause time with this person.  I wanted to just laugh and play all day because it was easier to do that then to think about the reality.  As I left him that night, I had those same feeling come over me. I wanted to just pause time because being there with him, it felt safe again. Tears rolled down my cheeks once again for the reality of tomorrow changing this moment.

If I could I would stop time.

I would stop time for those wanting just a few more minutes.

For in those few minutes of the day changing, so much can happen. So much can change. 

Let’s Talk

This week I went on a blind date. I would be lying if I said that this was my first blind date. Let me just tell you…sometimes it would be better if blind dates meant you were indeed blind. Needless to say, this date started off great. He was very handsome and had a cute charm to him. We sat down at the table and the third question this young man asked me was…

“So Lindsey, have you been in any serious relationships?”

In my mind I was thinking… well isn’t this getting personal real fast…

I answered by saying…

“I dated a guy for two years in high school; I’ve had flings since then and actually just got out of an engagement in January.”

His response…

“Ummm wow, you were engaged? That’s crazy!! Well you are kind of old so that makes sense…”

I wasn’t quite sure what to think about that statement. I was a little taken back because not only was this young man only twenty three but he was letting me know that twenty one is now considered the new old.

The dating world sure is entertaining. I have been taken on some very interesting dates. Some I will never forget because they were just that fun and some that I wish I could forget because they were just that weird.

I don’t think anyone enjoys “dating”. Yes, when it works out in your favor and they end up being your spouse, well yes its lovely but for all the thousand dates that go wrong for that one that goes right… let’s be honest… I’m starting to understand why people give up. It truly is like finding a needle in the haystack.

When I was eighteen, dating was fun. I loved looking at my day planner with Monday thru Saturday having each meal being covered by a date. It was perfect. I had a little routine and thought I had the “dating game” all figured out.

Relationships and flings have come and gone since eighteen.

I don’t have the dating game figured out like I use to at eighteen but I will say I can tell you exactly what I want in a guy and what I don’t want.

I now stand here twenty one.

I don’t know when being mature started being classified as being boring but that would be me.

I would very much appreciate if the Lord just placed Mr. Future Husband at my door step. I would promise to take great care of him and love him with everything that I have. I would never let him go and thank the Lord each day for placing him on my door step. 

If only. 

I have come to the realization that...

Its okay not to be okay. 

Myself

You would know…

My eyes: Will tell you exactly how I am feeling

My hands: Always soft to perfection with vanilla lotion

My voice: Has the capacity to change lives

My legs: Know the feeling of being free

My feet: Have gotten me to where I stand today

My taste buds: Have the capability of knowing sweet from sour

My brain: Remembers even the slightest memories

My heart: Loves even the smallest things that are meant to become great

My testimony: Is what defines me

Decorate

So you decided to see me out of the blue

Should I let you come over

I think you’re doing fine

That girl in your arms does she know where you come from

Almost made me move out of town

You don’t want me to be around

But I stayed anyway

Just in case

Finding reasons to hate you more than before

Like how you said you would call

but never at all

Got rid of your number that I know by heart

You left your things at my place

As if I have all the space

But you know I don’t mind

Just come back when you think it’s time

I’m all black and white inside

Monotonous from left to right

I decorate my house with things you love

Just in case you show up

In case you show up

Beautiful Heartbreak

Every fear, every doubt,
All the pain I went through;
Was the price that I paid to see this view;
And now that I'm here I would never trade...

The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights;

I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.  

I reflect on my life events that have occurred in the past year and see a roller coaster. There were many times I would cry unto the Lord just wanting some kind of understanding of what was going on. I wanted a glimpse into my future. I just wanted to see where I needed to go. But how grateful I am now for the Lord letting me test the waters and figure things out.

I stand here today with a great appreciation for prayer. I have gained a testimony for the power of prayer. I will admit I have had times in life when prayer seemed hopeless but I have really seen a difference in my life. The Lord continues to answer my greatest prayers. He is there just waiting for me to reach out to him for answers and help.

I stand here today with a different love for the Lord. A greater love. I have seen his hands shape me and shape my life like a beautiful piece of art. He has been there blessing me daily with opportunities of growth. I witness his love for me, a daughter of god, daily.

I stand here today more grateful than ever before for my family. The years go on and we are hit with more and more challenges. I am grateful that we have become such a close family. My siblings have become my comfort.  My parents have become examples to me in so many ways I never knew possible.

Today I stand here stronger then I have been in a long time. I am forever grateful for the gospel that I have in my life. I am forever grateful for the knowledge I have. I am forever grateful for my Savior.

 

Every once in a while we need to fill up our spiritual cup. Sometimes we forget how empty our cup is. I had an amazing opportunity to refill my cup by attending General Conference in Salt Lake City this past weekend. I cannot even begin to describe to you how powerful the spirit was during the Sunday session.  I could feel our Heavenly Father presence as I sat there listening to talks prepared by amazing men of our church.

My friend brought a girl from Brazil to the session with us. Tears streamed down her cheeks as the realization set in that she was sitting in fount of our Prophet. This had been a dream of hers to come to the States and watch conference live. The spirit truly testified to her of how amazing our church really is. I am grateful for the worthy young man who baptized her family and gave her this great opportunity.

I am too grateful for her. As I watched her during the session my testimony was truly strengthen. I take for granted all that I am blessed with. I forget about how important the little things are and its people like her that help me to remember how amazing our church really is. How our religion changes so many lives. It brings hope and comfort in so many people’s and we truly are blessed souls on this earth.  

Kept

I have fallen in love with this song recently. Its not the beat or the way the singers voice sounds when he sings but because of these three lines: 

I should have kept my hands.
I should have kept my arms inside. 
I should have kept my heart. 

Wouldn't it be interesting if we could just keep those things to ourself? That may sound like a really weird question but honestly. Falling in love starts with simply holding ones hand. Then slowly it grows into you giving you whole heart to that same person. 

Then when it all comes crashing down you think to yourself what if I would have never met that person? What if I never would have just simply held their hand. 

It's crazy how three simple lines in a song can get my mind racing on meaningless thoughts. I often question where these thought come from. 

Bucket List

A while back I wrote up my very first bucket list… well I couldn’t tell you where that thing went… So I have decided to come up with a new one! These are just some of the things I want to make sure to cross off!    

1. Go Skydiving

2. Take a trip to Australia

3. Have my very own Photography Studio

4. Go Skinny Dipping in the Ocean

5. Learn to Paint

6. Learn how to Play the Piano

7. Work on a Cruise Ship for a Summer

8. Get Married and Sealed to my future husband in the Hawaii Temple

9. Have 5 kids

10. Two of which MUST be twins! J

11. Have a family of my own one day

12. Write music

13. Be a Mission Presidents Wife

14. Live in a Foreign Country with Husband

15. Fulfill my childhood dream of working in a Payless Shoe Store! Ha!

16. Be a Flight Attendant

17. Learn how to cook very well

18. Live in Arizona

 Man, it's been a long day
Stuck thinking about it while driving on the freeway
Wondering if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harder

I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread

I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The place that you needed to have

I'm so sad

Just sitting here, trying not to look back
Still looking at the road we never drove on
And wondering if the one I chose was the right one...

If One Day…

If one day you feel like just crying.

Call me…

I can’t promise that I will make you laugh.

But I can cry with you.

If one day you want to just run away.

Don’t be afraid to call me.

I can’t promise that I will ask you to stop.

But I can run away with you.

If one day you just don’t want to listen to anyone

Call me…

I promise to be there for you.

And I promise to be very quite.

But if one day you call me…

And there is no answer.

Come fast to see me.

Perhaps I need you.

When I read this quote I thought about my dear mom. There were some days this past semester when I would call her with tears and all she would have to say is…

“Hang in there my Lindsey Girl”

My mom holds the title of being my Very Best Friend. She and I have become very close and it seems that with the years, we only become closer and closer. This quote is very much our relationship when I am up at school. She is always just a phone call away.

This past week I was up in Colorado with all my extended family members for a family reunion. It was super fun and so nice seeing everyone. The person I was the most excited to spend time with though was my sweet grandma. My mom’s mom and I are really close. In the past 2 years she’s had many surgeries that help her to hang on. It’s been sad seeing her slowly holding on. I know it’s been very hard for her.

Three weeks ago, my family was given a scare when my grandma was rushed into the hospital and she was attached to machines to keep her breathing. They said that if she didn’t respond in 24 hours they would pull the cord and she would leave us.

As I have watched my Grandmas illness affect my mom, I am more grateful for the time I have with my mom. I couldn’t imagine my life with out my mom just as my mom can’t imagine life without her mother. No one fills the spot of a mother.

There will be that day when my mom calls me and I will say to her…

“Hang in there mom”

Today, tell your mom you love her while you still can.

I’m sure she would love a phone call just telling her how much you appreciate her.

Isn’t it interesting how true this picture is? It’s funny when you think about how much we control our own feelings. But are we really capable of turning it on and off as easily?

Lately there have been some situations where I wish I could turn that switch on so fast! I wish I was capable of diving into another relationship and would have the will and want to care about someone again. I just can not get myself to fully care. I care just enough to make the difference. Its getting the rest of it that’s seems challenging.

Then there are other situations when you wish you could just numb your feeling and not care ever again. My dad and I have always had an interesting relationship. It’s been the same type of relationship ever since I was very little. You would think by now after all these years; I would just accept it and realize things wont change. But instead I find myself still upset about it. I know that we both can try to change things but reality is people don’t change.

At the end of the day it comes down to you either feeling happy or feeling sad. Right? I mean yes, you could be angry or stressed but ultimately you are one of the two. I wish I could somehow film my “feeling switch”. I bet it goes like crazy all through my highs and lows of life.

It would be interesting if everything in life could be controlled by an on and off switch.

Nanny Jobs. Nanny Jobs. Nanny Jobs

I have been in contact with a family for the past six months. We’ve been interviewing over the phone and sending weekly emails to each other. I don’t understand why nanny jobs are always so tempting. My first nanny job – they couldn’t afford to keep me but needed me and my nanny job in NYC – they didn’t need me but could very much afford me. What tempts me about this one – they need me and can afford me.

They have two twin boys (you all are well aware of how much I love twins) that will be three and then a six month old baby girl. Some may see that as challenging but I see that as exciting!! I would start at 7am and end at 7pm Monday thru Friday. I will be living in a beach house outside of LA on Newport Beach making $400 a week. All bills paid with a car to use whenever.

Doesn’t that sound temping? Maybe you can now understand why they tempt me so much.

The funny thing is I do it more for the kids then anything else. I know that sounds so untrue. What 20 year old girl wants to live in some random home and care for 3 kids that aren’t hers 5 days a week? ME. It may be that I just can’t wait to be a mom… but honestly, children make me so happy. Having that feeling of knowing they need you makes you feel so important. Caring for them day to day you develop this love for them. That love that you would do anything to protect them. It’s so weird because this is a family that you met online.

The job starts late October… I have a few more months to think about it but guys- I’m tempted! BYU-Idaho this fall will have more students then ever before on campus. Down side to that – I was only able to get online classes for this fall! Yeah – super lame. But that is why this job is even more tempting because now I have that flexibility to start whenever and just go!

I was just saying how I need to something a little more exciting right?

Nothing like getting completely away from life – I’m in.

Idaho’s cold weather or something more like this: 

Tanning with the baby while the boys are in preschool?! Tempting!

If you couldn’t already read between the lines of words on my blog… you would have the idea that I am healing from the break up of my ex fiance and I. All semester long, I have been searching for his equal. I have been searching for someone to fill his spot. To fill the empty place inside.

I have met some really amazing guys this semester. They have taken me on some memorable fun dates and trips. I have laughed my heart out and smiled till my cheeks hurt on a lot of them. I have gained a strong friendship with some as well. But I can’t help but want something different.

I want that relationship when you don’t care how you look – you’re beautiful. I want that firmness when you can both be doing something different in the same room but be totally content. I want that loving relationship when you know that if you go out of your way for them, they repay it with ten folds. It’s an equal love.

I think what has taken me back is that all semester long I have been searching for that something that I thought I didn’t want. I was fine going on dates and just having fun because I knew that’s what I needed but I would come home and just feel sad. I think the realization of what I really want – is also making me sad.

You think that you’re a strong person until you come to the realization that you hate the feeling of being “alone”.  

I came across this quote:

During this semester I have also not allowed some of these guys much time. I give some of them about three dates or so and then I find some reason why it “doesn’t work out” I am realizing that I may be holding myself back from something that could work out and that I’m just scared for it too.

Today – I am going to let go of it all. The relationship that I have been wanting. The scared feeling I have of something good developing into something great and most of all the fear I have of getting hurt again. I am going to let it all go.

For a while now I have become somewhat of a hermit crab. I have become that girl who would not mind staying on the coach on a Friday night watching a movie with her roommate. Okay- there is nothing wrong with be comfortable with life but heck- I use to be so daring and adventurous. Sky diving was on my bucket list. Bridge jumping was on my daily to do list. Talking to random people was a must and eating anything- loved the challenge. Guys- I think I am realizing that I have become a lot more…. Umm let’s just say boring.

Lately my boringness has caught up to me and I have been feeling a little in the crazy mood. I said to my roommate tonight-

“Kate- lets do something crazy!”

Her response was in pure excitement with the words:

“I have sidewalk chalk.”

Let’s be honest- if sidewalk chalk was the extent of doing something crazy- man I think everyone would bore themselves. Don’t get me wrong- sidewalk chalk is super fun but when that’s one of your options of being crazy - hmmmmm.

So while being on this little streak of wanting to do something crazy- I saw this picture.

Wouldn’t that be so sick if you could just pack up everything you owned into a little bag and go somewhere you had never been before. I seriously am considering it. A vacation with my self would be amazing. Reality- a girl of 5’3 and 120lbs would not survive on her own in a foreign country. I said I wanted to be adventure though right? Maybe that’s not the same as being naive.

I have looked into doing things on my off track though this winter. Like teaching English for 6 months in Russia… how freaking cool huh?! All for only 12 hundred dollars. That sounds like something pretty adventurous.

While I try to find things to get myself more daring again… I hope you have an amazing week!!

Is it a risk to Love?

What happens if it never works out?

What if we never did things in life only because we were afraid that they wouldn’t work out? What if we just held onto our heart so tight never letting anyone in because we didn’t want to know the feeling of it breaking might feel like? When one door closes, another one is bound to open. Do we stand outside the door or walking in – taking on the risk?

I feel throughout my life I have always wanted to attach a definition to the word love. In my mind it’s like there is suppose to be a huge grand definition of what love is. Then there should be a long explanation and direction of how to love. I always heat that “love” just happens. You like someone enough that with time that “like” turns to “love”. But, honestly think about it… what is love?

Every example I have been shown of love has gotten me to the point that I wonder if we should change the word or maybe just the definition. If you love something you hold onto it tight and never let go right. Then why do so many couples loose sight of the love they once had for someone and think life would be better otherwise. Why do spouses live in fear that their loved ones may cheat on them? Why do spouses cheat on their loved ones?

Maybe I’m generalizing too much on the couples and marriages that don’t work out but if it’s all based around love – I’m starting to give up on it.

I hate turning back to my past but honestly, people use to comment about how in “love” my ex fiancé and I were. Couples would say- man, I want what you guys have….He loved me so much he left me. That was out of love right? The same love that I thought our relationship was based off of. The same love that half of the couples start off having and then one day they just give up and claim they are no longer in love.

Sounds like it’s a constant battle to me. No one knows what the definition is to love. No one knows the instructions to love. Why don’t we all just erase the word and pretend that it doesn’t exists. Sounds easy enough right. I mean half the world has already done it…