Isn’t it interesting how true this picture is? It’s funny when you think about how much we control our own feelings. But are we really capable of turning it on and off as easily?

Lately there have been some situations where I wish I could turn that switch on so fast! I wish I was capable of diving into another relationship and would have the will and want to care about someone again. I just can not get myself to fully care. I care just enough to make the difference. Its getting the rest of it that’s seems challenging.

Then there are other situations when you wish you could just numb your feeling and not care ever again. My dad and I have always had an interesting relationship. It’s been the same type of relationship ever since I was very little. You would think by now after all these years; I would just accept it and realize things wont change. But instead I find myself still upset about it. I know that we both can try to change things but reality is people don’t change.

At the end of the day it comes down to you either feeling happy or feeling sad. Right? I mean yes, you could be angry or stressed but ultimately you are one of the two. I wish I could somehow film my “feeling switch”. I bet it goes like crazy all through my highs and lows of life.

It would be interesting if everything in life could be controlled by an on and off switch.

Nanny Jobs. Nanny Jobs. Nanny Jobs

I have been in contact with a family for the past six months. We’ve been interviewing over the phone and sending weekly emails to each other. I don’t understand why nanny jobs are always so tempting. My first nanny job – they couldn’t afford to keep me but needed me and my nanny job in NYC – they didn’t need me but could very much afford me. What tempts me about this one – they need me and can afford me.

They have two twin boys (you all are well aware of how much I love twins) that will be three and then a six month old baby girl. Some may see that as challenging but I see that as exciting!! I would start at 7am and end at 7pm Monday thru Friday. I will be living in a beach house outside of LA on Newport Beach making $400 a week. All bills paid with a car to use whenever.

Doesn’t that sound temping? Maybe you can now understand why they tempt me so much.

The funny thing is I do it more for the kids then anything else. I know that sounds so untrue. What 20 year old girl wants to live in some random home and care for 3 kids that aren’t hers 5 days a week? ME. It may be that I just can’t wait to be a mom… but honestly, children make me so happy. Having that feeling of knowing they need you makes you feel so important. Caring for them day to day you develop this love for them. That love that you would do anything to protect them. It’s so weird because this is a family that you met online.

The job starts late October… I have a few more months to think about it but guys- I’m tempted! BYU-Idaho this fall will have more students then ever before on campus. Down side to that – I was only able to get online classes for this fall! Yeah – super lame. But that is why this job is even more tempting because now I have that flexibility to start whenever and just go!

I was just saying how I need to something a little more exciting right?

Nothing like getting completely away from life – I’m in.

Idaho’s cold weather or something more like this: 

Tanning with the baby while the boys are in preschool?! Tempting!

If you couldn’t already read between the lines of words on my blog… you would have the idea that I am healing from the break up of my ex fiance and I. All semester long, I have been searching for his equal. I have been searching for someone to fill his spot. To fill the empty place inside.

I have met some really amazing guys this semester. They have taken me on some memorable fun dates and trips. I have laughed my heart out and smiled till my cheeks hurt on a lot of them. I have gained a strong friendship with some as well. But I can’t help but want something different.

I want that relationship when you don’t care how you look – you’re beautiful. I want that firmness when you can both be doing something different in the same room but be totally content. I want that loving relationship when you know that if you go out of your way for them, they repay it with ten folds. It’s an equal love.

I think what has taken me back is that all semester long I have been searching for that something that I thought I didn’t want. I was fine going on dates and just having fun because I knew that’s what I needed but I would come home and just feel sad. I think the realization of what I really want – is also making me sad.

You think that you’re a strong person until you come to the realization that you hate the feeling of being “alone”.  

I came across this quote:

During this semester I have also not allowed some of these guys much time. I give some of them about three dates or so and then I find some reason why it “doesn’t work out” I am realizing that I may be holding myself back from something that could work out and that I’m just scared for it too.

Today – I am going to let go of it all. The relationship that I have been wanting. The scared feeling I have of something good developing into something great and most of all the fear I have of getting hurt again. I am going to let it all go.

For a while now I have become somewhat of a hermit crab. I have become that girl who would not mind staying on the coach on a Friday night watching a movie with her roommate. Okay- there is nothing wrong with be comfortable with life but heck- I use to be so daring and adventurous. Sky diving was on my bucket list. Bridge jumping was on my daily to do list. Talking to random people was a must and eating anything- loved the challenge. Guys- I think I am realizing that I have become a lot more…. Umm let’s just say boring.

Lately my boringness has caught up to me and I have been feeling a little in the crazy mood. I said to my roommate tonight-

“Kate- lets do something crazy!”

Her response was in pure excitement with the words:

“I have sidewalk chalk.”

Let’s be honest- if sidewalk chalk was the extent of doing something crazy- man I think everyone would bore themselves. Don’t get me wrong- sidewalk chalk is super fun but when that’s one of your options of being crazy - hmmmmm.

So while being on this little streak of wanting to do something crazy- I saw this picture.

Wouldn’t that be so sick if you could just pack up everything you owned into a little bag and go somewhere you had never been before. I seriously am considering it. A vacation with my self would be amazing. Reality- a girl of 5’3 and 120lbs would not survive on her own in a foreign country. I said I wanted to be adventure though right? Maybe that’s not the same as being naive.

I have looked into doing things on my off track though this winter. Like teaching English for 6 months in Russia… how freaking cool huh?! All for only 12 hundred dollars. That sounds like something pretty adventurous.

While I try to find things to get myself more daring again… I hope you have an amazing week!!

Is it a risk to Love?

What happens if it never works out?

What if we never did things in life only because we were afraid that they wouldn’t work out? What if we just held onto our heart so tight never letting anyone in because we didn’t want to know the feeling of it breaking might feel like? When one door closes, another one is bound to open. Do we stand outside the door or walking in – taking on the risk?

I feel throughout my life I have always wanted to attach a definition to the word love. In my mind it’s like there is suppose to be a huge grand definition of what love is. Then there should be a long explanation and direction of how to love. I always heat that “love” just happens. You like someone enough that with time that “like” turns to “love”. But, honestly think about it… what is love?

Every example I have been shown of love has gotten me to the point that I wonder if we should change the word or maybe just the definition. If you love something you hold onto it tight and never let go right. Then why do so many couples loose sight of the love they once had for someone and think life would be better otherwise. Why do spouses live in fear that their loved ones may cheat on them? Why do spouses cheat on their loved ones?

Maybe I’m generalizing too much on the couples and marriages that don’t work out but if it’s all based around love – I’m starting to give up on it.

I hate turning back to my past but honestly, people use to comment about how in “love” my ex fiancé and I were. Couples would say- man, I want what you guys have….He loved me so much he left me. That was out of love right? The same love that I thought our relationship was based off of. The same love that half of the couples start off having and then one day they just give up and claim they are no longer in love.

Sounds like it’s a constant battle to me. No one knows what the definition is to love. No one knows the instructions to love. Why don’t we all just erase the word and pretend that it doesn’t exists. Sounds easy enough right. I mean half the world has already done it…

I-pod on repeat, I hear the same lyrics play over and over

Kiss me like you wanna be loved.

I sit and think about what that really means. Does it mean- kiss someone till they are convinced that you are the one… or is it something as simple as just wanting to mean something to someone?

Out of all the girls in the world.

I am just a number.

The girl next to me is just another number.

What separates us from each other?

Will she catch his attention before I do?

Will this turn into some kind of game?

Who will be the one who leaves holding his hand?

We play this game with our heart sometimes. It’s the battle of wanting something but not knowing if it’s what we need. Not knowing if they are who you really need in our life. We have a battle with our wants vs our needs. Then at the end of the day you sit alone with all the thoughts in your head.

As I continue to listen to this song – I hear these words –

Settle down with me - I’ll be your safety – you’ll be my lady

Out of all the girls in the world.

I am just a number.

The girl next to me is just another number.

What separates us from each other?

What separates us from each other is the guy who asks you to be his. The one who makes you not just a number but his number one. I think back to the line – Kiss me like you wanna be loved – that means – kiss him like you wanna be loved by him and only him.

I am sure Heavenly Father is very confused. He must have thought that I fell off the face of the earth due to how distant we have become over the months. I look at how his hand is in my day to day activities. How he is blessing me each and every day and it’s like that text message you just never respond too. You receive it, read it then push it off and say oh ill get to that later. Heavenly Father – why have I put you on the back burner?!

This past week, I was having a hard day and thought to just go to the MC and do some homework alone. When I got there, I will admit I wished I could have been somewhere much better but it was a place to get away… somewhat anyway. Well no more than five minutes later, I was approached by an adorable couple. They explained to me that they needed a huge favor from me. They were about to go on a double date and the guy who was suppose to meet up with them – his date backed out last minute. They had already bought tickets and just needed someone to come with them and go with this guy.  So my fancy little self in my jeans, messy bun on the top of my head and BYU-Idaho gym shirt grabbed my stuff and headed with them to the show. I will admit- I really wanted to see this show and was pretty excited. The guy ended up being a sweetheart and I had fun. After the show, I walked back up to the MC and I just was feeling so happy. It wasn’t even like what happened or meeting those people was what made my night- it was because I knew the Lord knew that was exactly what I needed that night. He knew I was having a hard time and did something as simply as placing those people in my direction to make my night better.

Things happen in my life that I know was the Lord reminding me of how mindful he is of me. He reminds me daily that even when I may forget about him- he never forgets about me. He’s that person who send you text over and over even when you don’t respond- he never leaves- its way of showing me just how much he truly loves us. Its amazing.

Reason

I once believed that everything in life just happened, no real reason, just coincidence. There wasn’t supposed to be an excuse or reasoning behind things. It was life and sometimes life threw you good things and then other times, bad things.  I guess you could say I felt that life had no real purpose, more often it just happened and as we lived life, we learned lessons from the trials and hardships. Experiences in my life lately, however, have taught me a different lesson than simple coincidence: things might just happen for a purpose.   

I reflect how much my life has changed in the past four months. I went from preparing myself to get married, and having no desire to come back to school in Idaho… I thought I had my life all figured out. I thought I was heading in the right direction.  

I still have those days where I get sad. I have days when I want to just give in and go back to him. I miss having that companionship. I miss having someone there whenever you need it for any kind of emotion. I miss the life I had.

To get through it… I have found a whole new love for running. I run when I need to get anything off my mind. When I need to think about things. Or to just escape reality. I have used it to cure my pain and to help me get over this hard time. It has helped so much.

Last week, I sprained my ankle. It has been a week and I am now just being able to walk... I look like a zombie but hey at least now I can get off my couch. This may sound really silly but this truly has been a trial for me. I used running as a cure in so many ways these past months and sitting here not being able to even walk normal is killing me.   

I use to believe there was no reason behind things. I no longer believe this.  I know that there is reason behind why I am here now at BYU-Idaho. There is reason why I sprained my ankle when I did. There’s a lesson to be learned in all of this. I know that life and the things that happen to us as we live our lives happen for reasons.  We sometimes find ourselves in the middle of happy times and also bad times.  That’s life just teaching us lessons—making us stronger.  I think someday, when we have completed life and all that was thrown our way, we will experience pure joy.   

Blessed.

Gosh, I am so dang blessed its to much to handle. So I didn’t always know that I wanted to go into photography. My family for years told me too but as the stubborn girl that I am, I never thought about it. Then about 2 years ago I gave in to their advice and I am so happy that I decided to do so. But I have moments like all people do about if this is really going to go anywhere or end up just crashing and burning. I had lots of appointments before I left for school and so now it’s trying to get my name out here. I really think the Lord has a plan for me and with photography. I posted that I was having a baby day here in Rexburg for free photography… five people contacted me within 10 minutes after posting the add. Cool huh?! Then I got a calling in our ward as the ward Photographer/ Historian. Way Cool!! Plus I got a job working for the Sports Marketing Dept here on campus to be the Photographer. Yeah, I think this is really something that I can become really good at it. It’s so exciting!!! The Lord never forgets about me and always blesses me with more than I deserve. He is amazing. 

Lately I have been feeling like I’m kind of misplaced. I feel like I am trying to figure out a million things all in my first semester back in school and I just kind of feel like an odd ball. It’s hard getting out of a serious relationship and trying to figure out life, while figuring out yourself then figuring out sharing a room with a stranger and then add the stresses of school. It’s hard but I know I need to go through it.

Since I live in a town that is centered around getting married… it makes it so hard to look past it. It’s everywhere! Just a week ago, a girl ran around my complex screaming, “I love being engaged!!!”  

So I prayed to the Lord the other night that I could just make friends really easily. I have never had that problem before but I have really held back and I just rather be alone sometimes but I know I need to get out there and meet people. So the Lord as amazing as he is, has answered my prayer. I have met so many people and I am so grateful for friendships.

Guys. Hmmmm they don’t really wanna be my friend. Ha! It’s so funny because they say oh yeah I wanna be friends too but when they never talk to you again… oh you know they were thinking otherwise. It’s hilarious. I have a text that I send to any guy who asks me to hang out that pretty much just says, nope sorry, not dating this semester but we can be friends and I’m sure they hate it but I really don’t need any of that for a while!

Besides that, I am very grateful to have friends and friendships. It feels so nice to have a group of people that we can just all hang out together. This is what college is supposed to be. I am so happy with how this semester is going!