Beautiful Heartbreak

Every fear, every doubt,
All the pain I went through;
Was the price that I paid to see this view;
And now that I'm here I would never trade...

The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights;

I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.  

I reflect on my life events that have occurred in the past year and see a roller coaster. There were many times I would cry unto the Lord just wanting some kind of understanding of what was going on. I wanted a glimpse into my future. I just wanted to see where I needed to go. But how grateful I am now for the Lord letting me test the waters and figure things out.

I stand here today with a great appreciation for prayer. I have gained a testimony for the power of prayer. I will admit I have had times in life when prayer seemed hopeless but I have really seen a difference in my life. The Lord continues to answer my greatest prayers. He is there just waiting for me to reach out to him for answers and help.

I stand here today with a different love for the Lord. A greater love. I have seen his hands shape me and shape my life like a beautiful piece of art. He has been there blessing me daily with opportunities of growth. I witness his love for me, a daughter of god, daily.

I stand here today more grateful than ever before for my family. The years go on and we are hit with more and more challenges. I am grateful that we have become such a close family. My siblings have become my comfort.  My parents have become examples to me in so many ways I never knew possible.

Today I stand here stronger then I have been in a long time. I am forever grateful for the gospel that I have in my life. I am forever grateful for the knowledge I have. I am forever grateful for my Savior.

 

Every once in a while we need to fill up our spiritual cup. Sometimes we forget how empty our cup is. I had an amazing opportunity to refill my cup by attending General Conference in Salt Lake City this past weekend. I cannot even begin to describe to you how powerful the spirit was during the Sunday session.  I could feel our Heavenly Father presence as I sat there listening to talks prepared by amazing men of our church.

My friend brought a girl from Brazil to the session with us. Tears streamed down her cheeks as the realization set in that she was sitting in fount of our Prophet. This had been a dream of hers to come to the States and watch conference live. The spirit truly testified to her of how amazing our church really is. I am grateful for the worthy young man who baptized her family and gave her this great opportunity.

I am too grateful for her. As I watched her during the session my testimony was truly strengthen. I take for granted all that I am blessed with. I forget about how important the little things are and its people like her that help me to remember how amazing our church really is. How our religion changes so many lives. It brings hope and comfort in so many people’s and we truly are blessed souls on this earth.  

Kept

I have fallen in love with this song recently. Its not the beat or the way the singers voice sounds when he sings but because of these three lines: 

I should have kept my hands.
I should have kept my arms inside. 
I should have kept my heart. 

Wouldn't it be interesting if we could just keep those things to ourself? That may sound like a really weird question but honestly. Falling in love starts with simply holding ones hand. Then slowly it grows into you giving you whole heart to that same person. 

Then when it all comes crashing down you think to yourself what if I would have never met that person? What if I never would have just simply held their hand. 

It's crazy how three simple lines in a song can get my mind racing on meaningless thoughts. I often question where these thought come from. 

Bucket List

A while back I wrote up my very first bucket list… well I couldn’t tell you where that thing went… So I have decided to come up with a new one! These are just some of the things I want to make sure to cross off!    

1. Go Skydiving

2. Take a trip to Australia

3. Have my very own Photography Studio

4. Go Skinny Dipping in the Ocean

5. Learn to Paint

6. Learn how to Play the Piano

7. Work on a Cruise Ship for a Summer

8. Get Married and Sealed to my future husband in the Hawaii Temple

9. Have 5 kids

10. Two of which MUST be twins! J

11. Have a family of my own one day

12. Write music

13. Be a Mission Presidents Wife

14. Live in a Foreign Country with Husband

15. Fulfill my childhood dream of working in a Payless Shoe Store! Ha!

16. Be a Flight Attendant

17. Learn how to cook very well

18. Live in Arizona

 Man, it's been a long day
Stuck thinking about it while driving on the freeway
Wondering if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harder

I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread

I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The place that you needed to have

I'm so sad

Just sitting here, trying not to look back
Still looking at the road we never drove on
And wondering if the one I chose was the right one...

If One Day…

If one day you feel like just crying.

Call me…

I can’t promise that I will make you laugh.

But I can cry with you.

If one day you want to just run away.

Don’t be afraid to call me.

I can’t promise that I will ask you to stop.

But I can run away with you.

If one day you just don’t want to listen to anyone

Call me…

I promise to be there for you.

And I promise to be very quite.

But if one day you call me…

And there is no answer.

Come fast to see me.

Perhaps I need you.

When I read this quote I thought about my dear mom. There were some days this past semester when I would call her with tears and all she would have to say is…

“Hang in there my Lindsey Girl”

My mom holds the title of being my Very Best Friend. She and I have become very close and it seems that with the years, we only become closer and closer. This quote is very much our relationship when I am up at school. She is always just a phone call away.

This past week I was up in Colorado with all my extended family members for a family reunion. It was super fun and so nice seeing everyone. The person I was the most excited to spend time with though was my sweet grandma. My mom’s mom and I are really close. In the past 2 years she’s had many surgeries that help her to hang on. It’s been sad seeing her slowly holding on. I know it’s been very hard for her.

Three weeks ago, my family was given a scare when my grandma was rushed into the hospital and she was attached to machines to keep her breathing. They said that if she didn’t respond in 24 hours they would pull the cord and she would leave us.

As I have watched my Grandmas illness affect my mom, I am more grateful for the time I have with my mom. I couldn’t imagine my life with out my mom just as my mom can’t imagine life without her mother. No one fills the spot of a mother.

There will be that day when my mom calls me and I will say to her…

“Hang in there mom”

Today, tell your mom you love her while you still can.

I’m sure she would love a phone call just telling her how much you appreciate her.

Isn’t it interesting how true this picture is? It’s funny when you think about how much we control our own feelings. But are we really capable of turning it on and off as easily?

Lately there have been some situations where I wish I could turn that switch on so fast! I wish I was capable of diving into another relationship and would have the will and want to care about someone again. I just can not get myself to fully care. I care just enough to make the difference. Its getting the rest of it that’s seems challenging.

Then there are other situations when you wish you could just numb your feeling and not care ever again. My dad and I have always had an interesting relationship. It’s been the same type of relationship ever since I was very little. You would think by now after all these years; I would just accept it and realize things wont change. But instead I find myself still upset about it. I know that we both can try to change things but reality is people don’t change.

At the end of the day it comes down to you either feeling happy or feeling sad. Right? I mean yes, you could be angry or stressed but ultimately you are one of the two. I wish I could somehow film my “feeling switch”. I bet it goes like crazy all through my highs and lows of life.

It would be interesting if everything in life could be controlled by an on and off switch.

Nanny Jobs. Nanny Jobs. Nanny Jobs

I have been in contact with a family for the past six months. We’ve been interviewing over the phone and sending weekly emails to each other. I don’t understand why nanny jobs are always so tempting. My first nanny job – they couldn’t afford to keep me but needed me and my nanny job in NYC – they didn’t need me but could very much afford me. What tempts me about this one – they need me and can afford me.

They have two twin boys (you all are well aware of how much I love twins) that will be three and then a six month old baby girl. Some may see that as challenging but I see that as exciting!! I would start at 7am and end at 7pm Monday thru Friday. I will be living in a beach house outside of LA on Newport Beach making $400 a week. All bills paid with a car to use whenever.

Doesn’t that sound temping? Maybe you can now understand why they tempt me so much.

The funny thing is I do it more for the kids then anything else. I know that sounds so untrue. What 20 year old girl wants to live in some random home and care for 3 kids that aren’t hers 5 days a week? ME. It may be that I just can’t wait to be a mom… but honestly, children make me so happy. Having that feeling of knowing they need you makes you feel so important. Caring for them day to day you develop this love for them. That love that you would do anything to protect them. It’s so weird because this is a family that you met online.

The job starts late October… I have a few more months to think about it but guys- I’m tempted! BYU-Idaho this fall will have more students then ever before on campus. Down side to that – I was only able to get online classes for this fall! Yeah – super lame. But that is why this job is even more tempting because now I have that flexibility to start whenever and just go!

I was just saying how I need to something a little more exciting right?

Nothing like getting completely away from life – I’m in.

Idaho’s cold weather or something more like this: 

Tanning with the baby while the boys are in preschool?! Tempting!

If you couldn’t already read between the lines of words on my blog… you would have the idea that I am healing from the break up of my ex fiance and I. All semester long, I have been searching for his equal. I have been searching for someone to fill his spot. To fill the empty place inside.

I have met some really amazing guys this semester. They have taken me on some memorable fun dates and trips. I have laughed my heart out and smiled till my cheeks hurt on a lot of them. I have gained a strong friendship with some as well. But I can’t help but want something different.

I want that relationship when you don’t care how you look – you’re beautiful. I want that firmness when you can both be doing something different in the same room but be totally content. I want that loving relationship when you know that if you go out of your way for them, they repay it with ten folds. It’s an equal love.

I think what has taken me back is that all semester long I have been searching for that something that I thought I didn’t want. I was fine going on dates and just having fun because I knew that’s what I needed but I would come home and just feel sad. I think the realization of what I really want – is also making me sad.

You think that you’re a strong person until you come to the realization that you hate the feeling of being “alone”.  

I came across this quote:

During this semester I have also not allowed some of these guys much time. I give some of them about three dates or so and then I find some reason why it “doesn’t work out” I am realizing that I may be holding myself back from something that could work out and that I’m just scared for it too.

Today – I am going to let go of it all. The relationship that I have been wanting. The scared feeling I have of something good developing into something great and most of all the fear I have of getting hurt again. I am going to let it all go.

For a while now I have become somewhat of a hermit crab. I have become that girl who would not mind staying on the coach on a Friday night watching a movie with her roommate. Okay- there is nothing wrong with be comfortable with life but heck- I use to be so daring and adventurous. Sky diving was on my bucket list. Bridge jumping was on my daily to do list. Talking to random people was a must and eating anything- loved the challenge. Guys- I think I am realizing that I have become a lot more…. Umm let’s just say boring.

Lately my boringness has caught up to me and I have been feeling a little in the crazy mood. I said to my roommate tonight-

“Kate- lets do something crazy!”

Her response was in pure excitement with the words:

“I have sidewalk chalk.”

Let’s be honest- if sidewalk chalk was the extent of doing something crazy- man I think everyone would bore themselves. Don’t get me wrong- sidewalk chalk is super fun but when that’s one of your options of being crazy - hmmmmm.

So while being on this little streak of wanting to do something crazy- I saw this picture.

Wouldn’t that be so sick if you could just pack up everything you owned into a little bag and go somewhere you had never been before. I seriously am considering it. A vacation with my self would be amazing. Reality- a girl of 5’3 and 120lbs would not survive on her own in a foreign country. I said I wanted to be adventure though right? Maybe that’s not the same as being naive.

I have looked into doing things on my off track though this winter. Like teaching English for 6 months in Russia… how freaking cool huh?! All for only 12 hundred dollars. That sounds like something pretty adventurous.

While I try to find things to get myself more daring again… I hope you have an amazing week!!