Is it a risk to Love?

What happens if it never works out?

What if we never did things in life only because we were afraid that they wouldn’t work out? What if we just held onto our heart so tight never letting anyone in because we didn’t want to know the feeling of it breaking might feel like? When one door closes, another one is bound to open. Do we stand outside the door or walking in – taking on the risk?

I feel throughout my life I have always wanted to attach a definition to the word love. In my mind it’s like there is suppose to be a huge grand definition of what love is. Then there should be a long explanation and direction of how to love. I always heat that “love” just happens. You like someone enough that with time that “like” turns to “love”. But, honestly think about it… what is love?

Every example I have been shown of love has gotten me to the point that I wonder if we should change the word or maybe just the definition. If you love something you hold onto it tight and never let go right. Then why do so many couples loose sight of the love they once had for someone and think life would be better otherwise. Why do spouses live in fear that their loved ones may cheat on them? Why do spouses cheat on their loved ones?

Maybe I’m generalizing too much on the couples and marriages that don’t work out but if it’s all based around love – I’m starting to give up on it.

I hate turning back to my past but honestly, people use to comment about how in “love” my ex fiancé and I were. Couples would say- man, I want what you guys have….He loved me so much he left me. That was out of love right? The same love that I thought our relationship was based off of. The same love that half of the couples start off having and then one day they just give up and claim they are no longer in love.

Sounds like it’s a constant battle to me. No one knows what the definition is to love. No one knows the instructions to love. Why don’t we all just erase the word and pretend that it doesn’t exists. Sounds easy enough right. I mean half the world has already done it…

I-pod on repeat, I hear the same lyrics play over and over

Kiss me like you wanna be loved.

I sit and think about what that really means. Does it mean- kiss someone till they are convinced that you are the one… or is it something as simple as just wanting to mean something to someone?

Out of all the girls in the world.

I am just a number.

The girl next to me is just another number.

What separates us from each other?

Will she catch his attention before I do?

Will this turn into some kind of game?

Who will be the one who leaves holding his hand?

We play this game with our heart sometimes. It’s the battle of wanting something but not knowing if it’s what we need. Not knowing if they are who you really need in our life. We have a battle with our wants vs our needs. Then at the end of the day you sit alone with all the thoughts in your head.

As I continue to listen to this song – I hear these words –

Settle down with me - I’ll be your safety – you’ll be my lady

Out of all the girls in the world.

I am just a number.

The girl next to me is just another number.

What separates us from each other?

What separates us from each other is the guy who asks you to be his. The one who makes you not just a number but his number one. I think back to the line – Kiss me like you wanna be loved – that means – kiss him like you wanna be loved by him and only him.

I am sure Heavenly Father is very confused. He must have thought that I fell off the face of the earth due to how distant we have become over the months. I look at how his hand is in my day to day activities. How he is blessing me each and every day and it’s like that text message you just never respond too. You receive it, read it then push it off and say oh ill get to that later. Heavenly Father – why have I put you on the back burner?!

This past week, I was having a hard day and thought to just go to the MC and do some homework alone. When I got there, I will admit I wished I could have been somewhere much better but it was a place to get away… somewhat anyway. Well no more than five minutes later, I was approached by an adorable couple. They explained to me that they needed a huge favor from me. They were about to go on a double date and the guy who was suppose to meet up with them – his date backed out last minute. They had already bought tickets and just needed someone to come with them and go with this guy.  So my fancy little self in my jeans, messy bun on the top of my head and BYU-Idaho gym shirt grabbed my stuff and headed with them to the show. I will admit- I really wanted to see this show and was pretty excited. The guy ended up being a sweetheart and I had fun. After the show, I walked back up to the MC and I just was feeling so happy. It wasn’t even like what happened or meeting those people was what made my night- it was because I knew the Lord knew that was exactly what I needed that night. He knew I was having a hard time and did something as simply as placing those people in my direction to make my night better.

Things happen in my life that I know was the Lord reminding me of how mindful he is of me. He reminds me daily that even when I may forget about him- he never forgets about me. He’s that person who send you text over and over even when you don’t respond- he never leaves- its way of showing me just how much he truly loves us. Its amazing.

Reason

I once believed that everything in life just happened, no real reason, just coincidence. There wasn’t supposed to be an excuse or reasoning behind things. It was life and sometimes life threw you good things and then other times, bad things.  I guess you could say I felt that life had no real purpose, more often it just happened and as we lived life, we learned lessons from the trials and hardships. Experiences in my life lately, however, have taught me a different lesson than simple coincidence: things might just happen for a purpose.   

I reflect how much my life has changed in the past four months. I went from preparing myself to get married, and having no desire to come back to school in Idaho… I thought I had my life all figured out. I thought I was heading in the right direction.  

I still have those days where I get sad. I have days when I want to just give in and go back to him. I miss having that companionship. I miss having someone there whenever you need it for any kind of emotion. I miss the life I had.

To get through it… I have found a whole new love for running. I run when I need to get anything off my mind. When I need to think about things. Or to just escape reality. I have used it to cure my pain and to help me get over this hard time. It has helped so much.

Last week, I sprained my ankle. It has been a week and I am now just being able to walk... I look like a zombie but hey at least now I can get off my couch. This may sound really silly but this truly has been a trial for me. I used running as a cure in so many ways these past months and sitting here not being able to even walk normal is killing me.   

I use to believe there was no reason behind things. I no longer believe this.  I know that there is reason behind why I am here now at BYU-Idaho. There is reason why I sprained my ankle when I did. There’s a lesson to be learned in all of this. I know that life and the things that happen to us as we live our lives happen for reasons.  We sometimes find ourselves in the middle of happy times and also bad times.  That’s life just teaching us lessons—making us stronger.  I think someday, when we have completed life and all that was thrown our way, we will experience pure joy.   

Blessed.

Gosh, I am so dang blessed its to much to handle. So I didn’t always know that I wanted to go into photography. My family for years told me too but as the stubborn girl that I am, I never thought about it. Then about 2 years ago I gave in to their advice and I am so happy that I decided to do so. But I have moments like all people do about if this is really going to go anywhere or end up just crashing and burning. I had lots of appointments before I left for school and so now it’s trying to get my name out here. I really think the Lord has a plan for me and with photography. I posted that I was having a baby day here in Rexburg for free photography… five people contacted me within 10 minutes after posting the add. Cool huh?! Then I got a calling in our ward as the ward Photographer/ Historian. Way Cool!! Plus I got a job working for the Sports Marketing Dept here on campus to be the Photographer. Yeah, I think this is really something that I can become really good at it. It’s so exciting!!! The Lord never forgets about me and always blesses me with more than I deserve. He is amazing. 

Lately I have been feeling like I’m kind of misplaced. I feel like I am trying to figure out a million things all in my first semester back in school and I just kind of feel like an odd ball. It’s hard getting out of a serious relationship and trying to figure out life, while figuring out yourself then figuring out sharing a room with a stranger and then add the stresses of school. It’s hard but I know I need to go through it.

Since I live in a town that is centered around getting married… it makes it so hard to look past it. It’s everywhere! Just a week ago, a girl ran around my complex screaming, “I love being engaged!!!”  

So I prayed to the Lord the other night that I could just make friends really easily. I have never had that problem before but I have really held back and I just rather be alone sometimes but I know I need to get out there and meet people. So the Lord as amazing as he is, has answered my prayer. I have met so many people and I am so grateful for friendships.

Guys. Hmmmm they don’t really wanna be my friend. Ha! It’s so funny because they say oh yeah I wanna be friends too but when they never talk to you again… oh you know they were thinking otherwise. It’s hilarious. I have a text that I send to any guy who asks me to hang out that pretty much just says, nope sorry, not dating this semester but we can be friends and I’m sure they hate it but I really don’t need any of that for a while!

Besides that, I am very grateful to have friends and friendships. It feels so nice to have a group of people that we can just all hang out together. This is what college is supposed to be. I am so happy with how this semester is going! 

No Sleep. No Sleep. No Sleep

Since I have come to school, I have become so sleep deprived. I forgot how school can really drain you. I am juggling my online photography school, my twelve little credits here at BYU-Idaho and getting this photography business off the ground.  I wake up at 5:30 to be on campus at 6:30 then I stay on campus anywhere from 8pm to 10pm. It has only been my first week and I’m already ready for this semester to end.

When I went to BYU-Idaho my first semester in 2010 all I cared about was dating. All I wanted to do was go on dates…you all know where that got me….yeah. But this time around, it feels so good to have my mind focused on school and school only. This is the perfect time in my life to focus on myself. Have some time to truly just be alone. I feel that the people who cherish relationships the most are those who have spent time being alone. Taking this time now to find myself will only benefit when it is time to find that someone who I can go to the temple with one day.

My Classes. 

Okay, I love every class I have. I had to drop Mission Prep because it is only half the year and it didn’t start till June. I needed to have a class to take now though so as some of you know I thought about taking a military fitness class. My goodness it’s amazing. I have class at 6:30 am and we work out for an hour. My first class, we had to do sit ups for two minutes straight without stopping. Then after that we had to switch to pushups for two minutes straight without stopping. After everyone completed that, we went outside and ran a timed two mile run. I was really surprised how well I did. Am I sore today… heck yes… but I like that feeling. It was fun having a military sergeant. He kept yelling formation!! I couldn’t help but giggle to myself every time. I will say though that working out in a class is so worth it. Don’t worry I will make sure to inform all of you how good my body will look after three month of this class! Haha!

We’ll I’m off to class! Have a great Thursday everyone :)

 

Sometimes I wish I could just understand life. The craziest things always happen to me. Maybe crazy things just happen to everyone. I don’t know. I just feel like I never really know where my life is headed. Every time I think I’ve figured it out something drastic changes.  Frustrating?! Extremely. Maybe I should in fact just surrender my will to the Lord and stop trying to plan out my life and just let it happen…. Sounds easy huh? Yeah, for someone who plans like me… not so much. 

My Brother Josh: My brother has always watched out for me since I was little. I would follow him and do everything he would do. I think that may be why I’m a go getter ha! We use to go to the park in California on windy days and pretend a tornado was coming to get us and hurry and hide in the tunnels. We are each others partners when it comes to roller coasters. We go on any one no matter how crazy or high. I really look up to my brother. He is such an amazing older brother who has always been there for me with great positive advice. I am so luck to have him!

My Sister Courtney: When I was a freshman in High School she was a senior and we were on the same soccer team. It was fun riding on the buss together to and from games. The older we’ve gotten the closer we have become. We now can relate to each other on pretty much everything now and its so nice having her here as one of my best friends. We share clothes, share music, and maybe in Idaho we’ll share boys ;) haha! Yeah, don’t think so on that last one...Anyway, I love her and I am so proud of her and all that she has accomplished!

My Little Sister Madison: When I was little, all I wanted was a little sister… I use to tell my mom everyday and I would go around and tell people that my mom was pregnant. Ha! After eight years, my mom finally gave in and decided to give me a little sister. I love Madison so much! She is becoming a beautiful young woman. It makes me sad though because I use to love the days when I would play house with her. She was a real baby and not just a plastic baby doll!! I am so excited for Madison and I’m excited to see what kind of women she develops into. 

Thank You.

Easter Sunday this year could not have been more perfect! We started the morning off at the 9:00 ward. We were able to listen to our friend give her farewell talk. She did such a great job talking about the Savior and the Atonement. I know she is going to be an amazing missionary in California. After her talk, we went to our ward to listen to my sister give her homecoming talk. I may be her sister, but her talk was amazing! The spirit was so strong and it was so nice to hear her stories of great faith and her love for our Savior. Following after church, we stayed for a baptism of a new convert. My family did not know Dynetta before her baptism. She has an amazing conversion story and I am so happy I was able to meet her and be there for her on her special day.  The light in her eyes and the smile on her face was a true sign in itself of how amazing this gospel really is. It changes lives! That evening we had the missionaries come over for dinner. Seriously, it was so great! We laughed, told stories and had a missionary lesson. During the lesson we each told our favorite scripture in the Book of Mormon. It was cool hearing what scriptures were our favorites and the story behind each scripture.

After the missionaries left, my family and I watched a slide show of the pictures of Courtney’s mission. During the slide show we could not stop smiling and laughing. We were just all so happy. The real kind of happy! The day came to and end and this Easter it wasn’t about coloring eggs or an Easter basket or even an Easter egg hunt. It was about the Savior. It was about love and service. It was about family.

The Lord blessed my family with a day that we will always hold dear to our hearts. A day when we felt so blessed and were able to forget about the world and just loose ourselves in the Gospel. I am so grateful for the Savior. I am so grateful for the Atonement. I am so grateful for the sacrifice he made. I am grateful for my family and the knowledge I have to know I will be with them for eternity. I feel so blessed! Thank You, Heavenly Father.