I-pod on repeat, I hear the same lyrics play over and over

Kiss me like you wanna be loved.

I sit and think about what that really means. Does it mean- kiss someone till they are convinced that you are the one… or is it something as simple as just wanting to mean something to someone?

Out of all the girls in the world.

I am just a number.

The girl next to me is just another number.

What separates us from each other?

Will she catch his attention before I do?

Will this turn into some kind of game?

Who will be the one who leaves holding his hand?

We play this game with our heart sometimes. It’s the battle of wanting something but not knowing if it’s what we need. Not knowing if they are who you really need in our life. We have a battle with our wants vs our needs. Then at the end of the day you sit alone with all the thoughts in your head.

As I continue to listen to this song – I hear these words –

Settle down with me - I’ll be your safety – you’ll be my lady

Out of all the girls in the world.

I am just a number.

The girl next to me is just another number.

What separates us from each other?

What separates us from each other is the guy who asks you to be his. The one who makes you not just a number but his number one. I think back to the line – Kiss me like you wanna be loved – that means – kiss him like you wanna be loved by him and only him.

I am sure Heavenly Father is very confused. He must have thought that I fell off the face of the earth due to how distant we have become over the months. I look at how his hand is in my day to day activities. How he is blessing me each and every day and it’s like that text message you just never respond too. You receive it, read it then push it off and say oh ill get to that later. Heavenly Father – why have I put you on the back burner?!

This past week, I was having a hard day and thought to just go to the MC and do some homework alone. When I got there, I will admit I wished I could have been somewhere much better but it was a place to get away… somewhat anyway. Well no more than five minutes later, I was approached by an adorable couple. They explained to me that they needed a huge favor from me. They were about to go on a double date and the guy who was suppose to meet up with them – his date backed out last minute. They had already bought tickets and just needed someone to come with them and go with this guy.  So my fancy little self in my jeans, messy bun on the top of my head and BYU-Idaho gym shirt grabbed my stuff and headed with them to the show. I will admit- I really wanted to see this show and was pretty excited. The guy ended up being a sweetheart and I had fun. After the show, I walked back up to the MC and I just was feeling so happy. It wasn’t even like what happened or meeting those people was what made my night- it was because I knew the Lord knew that was exactly what I needed that night. He knew I was having a hard time and did something as simply as placing those people in my direction to make my night better.

Things happen in my life that I know was the Lord reminding me of how mindful he is of me. He reminds me daily that even when I may forget about him- he never forgets about me. He’s that person who send you text over and over even when you don’t respond- he never leaves- its way of showing me just how much he truly loves us. Its amazing.

Reason

I once believed that everything in life just happened, no real reason, just coincidence. There wasn’t supposed to be an excuse or reasoning behind things. It was life and sometimes life threw you good things and then other times, bad things.  I guess you could say I felt that life had no real purpose, more often it just happened and as we lived life, we learned lessons from the trials and hardships. Experiences in my life lately, however, have taught me a different lesson than simple coincidence: things might just happen for a purpose.   

I reflect how much my life has changed in the past four months. I went from preparing myself to get married, and having no desire to come back to school in Idaho… I thought I had my life all figured out. I thought I was heading in the right direction.  

I still have those days where I get sad. I have days when I want to just give in and go back to him. I miss having that companionship. I miss having someone there whenever you need it for any kind of emotion. I miss the life I had.

To get through it… I have found a whole new love for running. I run when I need to get anything off my mind. When I need to think about things. Or to just escape reality. I have used it to cure my pain and to help me get over this hard time. It has helped so much.

Last week, I sprained my ankle. It has been a week and I am now just being able to walk... I look like a zombie but hey at least now I can get off my couch. This may sound really silly but this truly has been a trial for me. I used running as a cure in so many ways these past months and sitting here not being able to even walk normal is killing me.   

I use to believe there was no reason behind things. I no longer believe this.  I know that there is reason behind why I am here now at BYU-Idaho. There is reason why I sprained my ankle when I did. There’s a lesson to be learned in all of this. I know that life and the things that happen to us as we live our lives happen for reasons.  We sometimes find ourselves in the middle of happy times and also bad times.  That’s life just teaching us lessons—making us stronger.  I think someday, when we have completed life and all that was thrown our way, we will experience pure joy.