Nanny Jobs. Nanny Jobs. Nanny Jobs

I have been in contact with a family for the past six months. We’ve been interviewing over the phone and sending weekly emails to each other. I don’t understand why nanny jobs are always so tempting. My first nanny job – they couldn’t afford to keep me but needed me and my nanny job in NYC – they didn’t need me but could very much afford me. What tempts me about this one – they need me and can afford me.

They have two twin boys (you all are well aware of how much I love twins) that will be three and then a six month old baby girl. Some may see that as challenging but I see that as exciting!! I would start at 7am and end at 7pm Monday thru Friday. I will be living in a beach house outside of LA on Newport Beach making $400 a week. All bills paid with a car to use whenever.

Doesn’t that sound temping? Maybe you can now understand why they tempt me so much.

The funny thing is I do it more for the kids then anything else. I know that sounds so untrue. What 20 year old girl wants to live in some random home and care for 3 kids that aren’t hers 5 days a week? ME. It may be that I just can’t wait to be a mom… but honestly, children make me so happy. Having that feeling of knowing they need you makes you feel so important. Caring for them day to day you develop this love for them. That love that you would do anything to protect them. It’s so weird because this is a family that you met online.

The job starts late October… I have a few more months to think about it but guys- I’m tempted! BYU-Idaho this fall will have more students then ever before on campus. Down side to that – I was only able to get online classes for this fall! Yeah – super lame. But that is why this job is even more tempting because now I have that flexibility to start whenever and just go!

I was just saying how I need to something a little more exciting right?

Nothing like getting completely away from life – I’m in.

Idaho’s cold weather or something more like this: 

Tanning with the baby while the boys are in preschool?! Tempting!

If you couldn’t already read between the lines of words on my blog… you would have the idea that I am healing from the break up of my ex fiance and I. All semester long, I have been searching for his equal. I have been searching for someone to fill his spot. To fill the empty place inside.

I have met some really amazing guys this semester. They have taken me on some memorable fun dates and trips. I have laughed my heart out and smiled till my cheeks hurt on a lot of them. I have gained a strong friendship with some as well. But I can’t help but want something different.

I want that relationship when you don’t care how you look – you’re beautiful. I want that firmness when you can both be doing something different in the same room but be totally content. I want that loving relationship when you know that if you go out of your way for them, they repay it with ten folds. It’s an equal love.

I think what has taken me back is that all semester long I have been searching for that something that I thought I didn’t want. I was fine going on dates and just having fun because I knew that’s what I needed but I would come home and just feel sad. I think the realization of what I really want – is also making me sad.

You think that you’re a strong person until you come to the realization that you hate the feeling of being “alone”.  

I came across this quote:

During this semester I have also not allowed some of these guys much time. I give some of them about three dates or so and then I find some reason why it “doesn’t work out” I am realizing that I may be holding myself back from something that could work out and that I’m just scared for it too.

Today – I am going to let go of it all. The relationship that I have been wanting. The scared feeling I have of something good developing into something great and most of all the fear I have of getting hurt again. I am going to let it all go.

For a while now I have become somewhat of a hermit crab. I have become that girl who would not mind staying on the coach on a Friday night watching a movie with her roommate. Okay- there is nothing wrong with be comfortable with life but heck- I use to be so daring and adventurous. Sky diving was on my bucket list. Bridge jumping was on my daily to do list. Talking to random people was a must and eating anything- loved the challenge. Guys- I think I am realizing that I have become a lot more…. Umm let’s just say boring.

Lately my boringness has caught up to me and I have been feeling a little in the crazy mood. I said to my roommate tonight-

“Kate- lets do something crazy!”

Her response was in pure excitement with the words:

“I have sidewalk chalk.”

Let’s be honest- if sidewalk chalk was the extent of doing something crazy- man I think everyone would bore themselves. Don’t get me wrong- sidewalk chalk is super fun but when that’s one of your options of being crazy - hmmmmm.

So while being on this little streak of wanting to do something crazy- I saw this picture.

Wouldn’t that be so sick if you could just pack up everything you owned into a little bag and go somewhere you had never been before. I seriously am considering it. A vacation with my self would be amazing. Reality- a girl of 5’3 and 120lbs would not survive on her own in a foreign country. I said I wanted to be adventure though right? Maybe that’s not the same as being naive.

I have looked into doing things on my off track though this winter. Like teaching English for 6 months in Russia… how freaking cool huh?! All for only 12 hundred dollars. That sounds like something pretty adventurous.

While I try to find things to get myself more daring again… I hope you have an amazing week!!

Is it a risk to Love?

What happens if it never works out?

What if we never did things in life only because we were afraid that they wouldn’t work out? What if we just held onto our heart so tight never letting anyone in because we didn’t want to know the feeling of it breaking might feel like? When one door closes, another one is bound to open. Do we stand outside the door or walking in – taking on the risk?

I feel throughout my life I have always wanted to attach a definition to the word love. In my mind it’s like there is suppose to be a huge grand definition of what love is. Then there should be a long explanation and direction of how to love. I always heat that “love” just happens. You like someone enough that with time that “like” turns to “love”. But, honestly think about it… what is love?

Every example I have been shown of love has gotten me to the point that I wonder if we should change the word or maybe just the definition. If you love something you hold onto it tight and never let go right. Then why do so many couples loose sight of the love they once had for someone and think life would be better otherwise. Why do spouses live in fear that their loved ones may cheat on them? Why do spouses cheat on their loved ones?

Maybe I’m generalizing too much on the couples and marriages that don’t work out but if it’s all based around love – I’m starting to give up on it.

I hate turning back to my past but honestly, people use to comment about how in “love” my ex fiancé and I were. Couples would say- man, I want what you guys have….He loved me so much he left me. That was out of love right? The same love that I thought our relationship was based off of. The same love that half of the couples start off having and then one day they just give up and claim they are no longer in love.

Sounds like it’s a constant battle to me. No one knows what the definition is to love. No one knows the instructions to love. Why don’t we all just erase the word and pretend that it doesn’t exists. Sounds easy enough right. I mean half the world has already done it…